So What Happened?
A review of 2001
"Are you OK?""Where are you?"
"I'm just writing to see if you are alright."
"I've sent you several emails and haven't received a response. What gives?"
These messages, and many like them, have been sent repeatedly to me over the last few months. Here's my full disclosure.
January through April I was posting (almost) daily thoughts and meditations. I started this in August of 2000, and by the end of April had done about 120 of them. But I grew weary of the attempt to "cram" my thoughts into what I could type in a single morning's session. I wanted to be able to go into deeper things.
So, May, June & July I started a different approach, posting just one paper per month. I love the format, and will be returning to it soon.
But July was the last time I wrote anything new here, and almost the last time I answered any emails. So what happened?
The FPS
It is quite amusing to me when I read some of the angry postings on the forums and discussion groups scattered though the Internet about how I'm a cult leader, trying to take everyone's money, and David Koresh part 2 just waiting to happen. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, here's the truth:
In reality, folks, I'm a single guy living alone with 2 cats, with a somewhat demanding day job. (The one on the left is Lord Buckingham Fuzzmovitch, aka Mr. Fuzz. The one on the right is His Royal Majesty Boo of the Bobs, aka Baba Booey.) While people will sometimes help with different tasks, no one contributes any money to this ministry. I pay for everything (banner ads, web hosting, ISDN connection, software, etc) myself.
And I am able to do that because of my "very demanding day job."
You see, I am not able to spend all, or even most, of my time on The Church of Yahweh. It is my hope, prayer, and constant aim to be able to do this one day, but that day is not here yet.
Most of the time I am able to integrate my job with TCOY. August - April, for example, I was getting up at 5:00am (yup, every day, 7 days a week) and doing my ministry (answering emails & writing new material) until 8 or 9. Then it's "to work." And for the most part everything holds together fairly well. I don't go out drinking & dancing till dawn, but this works well for me.
In August things changed.
I am a contract computer programmer by trade. I've been doing this since 1983 (yow!) And in August we began the most complex & demanding programming job I've ever been a part of. It is called Financial Planning Solutions, FPS for short. It is a comprehensive needs-based financial planning piece of software. For each of the main topics of
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Retirement |
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Education |
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General Accumulation Goals, and |
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Survivorship (what happens to your loved ones in the even of your death) |
the system allows you to enter your
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Objectives (what you're trying to accomplish) |
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Assets (what you currently have saved) |
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Incomes (what's coming in) |
and then will calculate the Solutions, meaning what you have to do to get from where you are to where you want to be. If you are really interested, you can read all about it at http://kettley.com/Products/fps/pt_fps_summary.htm
The thing that made this most challenging is that the system absolutely had to be designed, programmed, tested, documented and shipped before January 31, 2002.
The discs went to duplication Wednesday, January 23.
I am writing this Saturday, January 26, about 7:00am.
My part in this?
| Help in the design. (The net present value of a stream of income starting in 6 years and growing @ 4% for 12 years is calculated exactly how? Having been a mathematics major at the University of California at Irvine for a year really helps here.) |
| Make sure the system will input all of the data. The FPS has 1,600 input items, on 86 screens. I also am the one to single- handedly make sure this data saves to the disk, will retrieve, gets the correct defaults, maximums & minimum values, and a whole host of other stuff. |
| When the blueprint is finished, it's my job to place all the calculations into the working software. The FPS has approximately 504,000 calculations. |
| Then, using proprietary tools & techniques I invented myself, it is up to me to certify that I have a mathematically prefect translation of the blueprint. |
| And make sure it runs inside the Multiple Document Interface, and can generate the 220 page report, along with redesigning the interface for the 3D graphics engine... |
Like I said, it's somewhat demanding.
The calculations look something like this:
For gi% = 1 To 5
ggi# = gi%
Accu(2, gi%) = gi%
Accu(3, gi%) = fChoose6(ggi#, 0, fCalc(250), fCalc(251), fCalc(252), fCalc(253), fCalc(254))
If Accu(3, gi%) = 1 Or gbFPSImport Then
Accu(4, gi%) = iff(Accu(3, gi%) = 0, 0, fAcc(1, gi%))
Accu(5, gi%) = fAcc(16, gi%)
Accu(6, gi%) = iff(Accu(3, gi%) = 0, ni(417), fMax(fAcc(2, gi%), ni(417)))
Accu(7, gi%) = iff(Accu(3, gi%) = 0, 0, fAcc(3, gi%))
Accu(8, gi%) = Accu(4, gi%) * (1 + fCalc(61)) ^ (Accu(6, gi%) - ni(417))
Accu(9, gi%) = Accu(5, gi%) * (1 + fCalc(61)) ^ (Accu(6, gi%) - ni(417))
Accu(10, gi%) = iff(fAcc(5, gi%) = 0, 0, fCalc(61))
Accu(11, gi%) = Accu(10, gi%) * 100
Accu(12, gi%) = iff(strFacc(2, gi%) = "" Or Accu(3, gi%) = 0, 0, 1)
Accu(13, gi%) = min(fAcc(8, gi%), Accu(7, gi%))
Accu(14, gi%) = Accu(6, gi%) + Accu(13, gi%)
Accu(15, gi%) = iff(fAcc(7, gi%) = 0, fCalc(61), 0)
Accu(16, gi%) = fAcc(6, gi%) * (1 + Accu(15, gi%)) ^ (Accu(6, gi%) - ni(417))
Accu(17, gi%) = iff(Accu(12, gi%) = 0, 0, Accu(16, gi%) * (1 - (fAcc(9, gi%) / 100) * fCalc(57)))
Accu(18, gi%) = iff(fAcc(10, gi%) = 0, 0, Accu(10, gi%))
and goes on like this for over 200 pages(!) Oh well.
So What?
Why am I telling you this?
First and foremost, there are many, many emails that I need to respond to, some of them months old. And as a first step I'm going to do a "form-letter" response, letting everyone read this, should they choose.
Because I want you to know how very, Very, VERY important you all are to me. I am ashamed that I have not written anything or responded to emails for so long.
But the simple truth is that the demands of the FPS on my mind, soul & body (I mean, you have to exercise just right so that, on the one hand, you are not sore, but on the other hand are healthy enough to handle sitting in that chair for 12+ hours a day) have exceeded anything I've been through before. I could not spend the first hours of the day dedicated to TCOY, because the FPS took all & every bit of me. Weekends were just for rest, nothing more. I have gone nowhere, and done basically nothing, for months. Everyone who knows me (Mom, Brother, friends) all know that I have been living entirely for the FPS.
And the nature of TCOY means that I seldom get simple, surface-level questions. (Can you give me an example of "I" without "Will", or "Will" without "I"?) And the truth is that I am just not strong enough to be able to do everything the FPS demanded AND be able to handle the depths of TCOY emails.
So, they sit in the inbox, waiting.
I am sorry. I truly am. But I saw no other path, and could do no other.
Miracle?
But, you see, the FPS is done. We reached our goal. And the system is beautiful.
My customer's nearest competitor took nearly 3 years to do what we did in 6 months. And they had 35 full time programmers. I had me. And I certainly can't prove all that to you, but it is the truth.
So, the second reason I'm writing this to you is because I've learned a lot over the last 6 months, and want to share (briefly) that with you.
Everything that I write about in TCOY is real, based on my own thoughts and experiences. That doesn't mean it's all "right", but it does mean it's all honest. And for me, God's Name Ahyh Asr Ahyh, "I Will Be What I Will Be" is the highest truth I know. It is what I attempt to live.
So, you see, it's not like God's Name is a "magic spell" that performs miracles. "Learn this name, chant this name & grow rich! Special this month, only $19.95!" No, it's not like that at all. But I have taught, because I have learned, that the only REAL element in your life is your Will. Everything else is secondary.
You can focus your will, set a goal, focus all of your energies into it, and accomplish that goal. This happens every day in business, sports, and real life. For me, it is a religious experience, a manifestation of the truth of The Name.
But that doesn't mean that you can do EVERYTHING. Nope. You, unlike the Creator, have limitations. Limits of time, limits of energy, limits of resources. Sacrifices will have to be made. But you CAN focus yourself, through the Will, and accomplish your goals.
In February 1999 I was ready to sell my house & quit the entire computer business, primarily because I wanted to avoid the pain & suffering of the FPS storm that I saw brewing on the horizon of my life. And yes, folks, it was mainly painful and miserable. But for a variety of reasons I became convinced that I simply should not leave. And, now that it is behind me, I am indeed glad I stayed.
(Funny, but after having been away from all this for a while, I feel the words are strained, and that I'm not communicating nearly as well as I can.) What I'm trying to say is, that there's no easy answer, no magic solution, no easy way out. Life gives us challenges, and they can be quite painful. But The Divine Will within you is capable of much more than you presently realize. You cannot do everything, but you can do what you must.
The Future
As soon as I finish this little letter, I am going to post it to the web. Then I am going to form-letter reply to every one of the scores (forgive me, Lord) of unanswered emails, giving them the link to this explanation. There are no excuses, because an excuse says that it doesn't matter. And this matters VERY MUCH, because YOU matter, and this ministry matters. So there are no excuses, and I will work to correct my shortcomings, but I have given you the reasons.
Then, I will personally answer each & every letter, giving them the attention they deserve.
After that I will return to my regular TCOY cycle: Feed the cats @ 5:00am, computer on by 5:15, answer emails first, then work on the material for the "one-per-month" topics. And, as has been my habit in the past, I will post the "chapters" as I get them written. The list of pending projects is here. All indications are, and my computer associates understand the importance of this, that an "FPS-type" production cycle will not happen again, meaning that I will be able to return to a more balanced life, which means simultaneously doing the job and the ministry on a daily basis.
Thank you for your patience and understanding.
Ahyh
